In a culture of wanton consumerism, with the holidays breathing down all of our necks, what is the responsible shopper who loves or hates their family and friends and coworkers to do?
The answer, we’d propose, is simple: check out the fanatics sale items. Welcome to another edition of the Hockey News, So to Speak gift guide for the caring and intelligent gift giver. The following gifts are useful, well crafted, appropriately priced, and sure to wow even the scroogiest person in your life.
You’re welcome.
please, please return to the drawing board
I have never seen a print be obviously less on the item it’s allegedly on than in this picture. at-sign the NHL, women are tired of your lies and deceptions! Fortunately, though, that means that this dress is a land of opportunity. Nothing is on it, which means anything is on it. Everything is on it. The only limit is the size of the dress and the size of your dreams. Your giftee will be sure to appreciate this blank canvas, bundled with a transparent background png that says “D U C K S.”
hashtag never forget
Don we now our gay apparel…is not how I would describe putting on this cursed artifact from the 2020 pandemic playoffs. Man, remember when the Coyotes were in the playoffs? That was something! It happened! If this were arriving by Christmas, you could regale your relatives with tales of pre-Sabres Taylor Hall, but alas, you’ll have to wait for a birthday or something. Or, you could buy an eGift Card, and send it to your lucky giftee along with a link to this item, to indicate that this is the only thing they can buy. (and realistically, it’s one of very few, since the value of the gift card is 9.99)
our greatest privilege
Boston is a small market with only one sports team, is what Fanatics would lead you to believe. Fortunately, we here at Hockey News, So to Speak, recognize that it is both our duty and an honor to educate. You can too, by buying this hat and adding, in bright red thread, “ONE OF” between “are” and “Boston’s”, and a big S at the very end. It is important that we don’t forget about the Red Sox, and about all of Chaim Bloom’s contributions to baseball. Also the Celtics and the Patriots and the Pride and the Revolution and
hnsts investigates
We’re sorry for the extended absence, but it was for a good reason. We were doing a hard hitting investigation into why the Sabres have so consistently been near the bottom of league payrolls recently, and we think we’ve found the answer. It was something that I’m sure will lead us all to forgive. They simply couldn’t pay people because this was in Terry Pegula’s wallet where his credit card should have been. And it can be in yours, too. Easily avoid paying for your dates by whipping this bad boy out and nodding your head sadly. You just can’t. You want to, but you can’t.
live, laugh, love to clean
All good Flames fans should want to emulate the inspiring success of head coach to the stars, Darryl Sutter. In case you’re a fake fan, though, and don’t want to be shut out of your house (or a room inside of it) by a full trash can, hang this Chore Chalkboard prominently in your live kitchen, so that you can keep yourself, your family, and those cocky young players in line and tidy. Prevent your home from becoming one (or up to three) full waste receptacles; we live in a society.
signage crimeage
We are a bastion of accuracy and precision here at Hockey News, So To Speak, and as such, we hate this sign. While it matches the result on google for “coordinates carolina hurricanes arena,” it cannot conceivably be hung on a wall. Even if your house is perfectly oriented with east-west and north-south walls, north is not up. We can only conclude, therefore, that this must be a floor decoration. Let no one say that the NHL are not innovators.
praxis jerseys
The last in the central Chicago Blackhawks’ record looks like a crime scene, and you can look like you’ve just visited or created one, with this DKNY Sport Women's Dakota Tie-Dye Oversized Half-Zip Hoodie. Additionally appropriate to its appearance, Fanatics is trying to bleed you dry, with the outrageous price of 94.99, Fanatics has appropriately priced this one of a kind work of art, hand wing tie dyed by literal black hawks themselves (birds are real and this is proof. value their labor adequately, or they may unionize.) Buying this sweatshirt is praxis?
bulkin’ season
Do you, like me, sometimes struggle to figure out what to cook for the week? Have we got a show for you. Now, you can set yourself up for success, with chickpea pasta Monday night, lentil pasta Tuesday night, brown rice pasta Wednesday night, quinoa pasta Thursday night, multigrain pasta Friday night, corn pasta Saturday night, and yellow pea pasta Sunday night. Eat for success, like Nathan MacKinnon. Alternately, eat food you like (and succeed anyway!), but still plan it out using this chalkboard.
questions, comments, concerns, suggestions?
the mailbag is here, you can send in an anonymous comment card, or: