We continue our gifting journey today with 8 more teams, and 8 more glorious delights from Gary Bettman on high, which are all sure to save your holiday.
the john tortorella memorial sit
Gone, but never forgotten. He might be in Philly now, but the hockey world will forever remember his brave and innovative benchings in Columbus. Have you ever wanted to be a reenacter? (like the Civil or Revolutionary War guys, but less weird?) You can! Sit on this table, or pull up a chair to it, gaze upon the Columbus Blue Jackets logo, and reflect on all the ways in which pending RFAs and FAs should have been more grateful and cooperative in the limited time they had with the maestro. Ah, I’m feeling wistful already.
side quests
Ah, Friday night. Time to kick back on the chair that’s absolutely ruining my lower back (that I say is comfortable anyway) and watch the game. What’s that? Who’s there? Pete DeBoer? What are you doing in my house? I’ll be right back.
So as it turns out, the purchase and display of this sign entitles a member of the Dallas Stars coaching or management staff to rock up to your house and issue you a quest. I have to find Marc-Andre Fleury and pull the sword out of his back, and if I do it within the next four business days, *I* become the head coach of the Dallas Stars. The rest of this newsletter will likely be written from a hospital in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area, as it’s dangerous to pull the sword out without immediate medical attention. Adventure awaits. Eat at Arby’s.
which way, central fan? (no, seriously, we’re lost)
It will not arrive by Christmas, and you certainly won’t either, if you use it to navigate. That’s right, it’s the Detroit Red Wings Distressed State Cutout Sign. Just like when I sent out invites to my graduation party after my graduation party to the relatives I didn’t actually want to invite, you can send this someone that you totally hope makes it to your combination New Years Eve soiree/motorcycle show. You definitely don’t want them to fall off the map, just as the roads do in this chic accent piece. Good luck to them. They’ll need it.
stand up to woke energy
With the news on fusion, all the new bird killing windmills around here, and the anti-lard movement in cooking, what’s a loyal oil man to do? It’s simple. Don’t let the communists win, and fight the culture war loud and proud (behind closed doors in your kitchen), with this cup, which tells everyone (in your home) exactly how you feel about the tyrannical left. No, Brandon, I *won’t* fuel my car or fry my eggs with anything else. Crude oil all day around here.
Wait, what? There’s a hockey team called the “Oilers?” Fuck. I look stupid now.
the sunrise anti-cheating society
We hear a lot about the integrity of the game of hockey. We have to have offsides reviews, we can’t have gambling (though we will promote it heavily), we must respect referees and the rule of law, even that clown Wes McCauley, and so it goes on. As an avid “corn hole” player, I have noticed that this fastidious protection of trust and integrity doesn’t extend so much to this time-honored American tradition. Weep no more, people like me. The Florida Panthers are selling a regulation corn hole carrying case. No more boxes, bags, tubs, wagons, totes, or bindles, Susan. In my game, we will use regulation carriers and only regulation carriers, or you can leave this picnic.
LÄMP
I’m not gonna say what this looks like. That would be juvenile. It will come for free but not by Christmas with code 24SHIP. Be careful not to crack it or it may spray everywhere. I’m not gonna degrade this serious newsletter with jokes!
if you’re cold, he’s cold
Poor Zach Parise. First he’s bought out, then he languishes inside so much heat shrunk plastic in the Fanatics warehouse, until finally, they’re forced to put him on sale because no one wants him at that price. What a metaphor. Oof. If you’re cold, he’s cold. Let him in. Be the Lou Lamoriello you wish to see in the world (if indeed you do wish to see one), and spend money on this old, old man. Just like the real one, the bobblehead doesn’t come with a Ryan Suter, but I’m sure there’s old bobbleheads of his around somewhere too. They are watching, they are waiting.
nanananananananananananananananana habs man
Do you need to stop crime? Is there someone dressed up like a funky bird in your city trying to burn down a hospital? I have not seen these movies. You can call the crimestopping team of Mike Matheson and Juraj Slafkovsky up from under the ground with this car door light. They will see it from their subterranean lair (but not the evil kind) and promptly emerge from a pipe near you to set things right, lickety-split. Don’t become a victim of crime this Christmas. The Habs are here to help.
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