The Coronavirus Thing has gotten much worse, but we’re pretending not to see it. Cuddle up by the fire in your hermetically sealed bunker with this gift guide, featuring things you can buy online, from your hermetically sealed bunker.
The Arizona Coyotes present: the duality of (wo)man
This is like if the Ducks 2018 wall calendar were for the Coyotes instead. It’s a few dollars more than the Ducks one, but hey, the Coyotes have rent to pay. Help out animals in need and gaze upon the visage of Coyotes Legend…Tobias Rieder? What? I missed that completely. Anyway, he played in Arizona, and so did everyone else in this calendar, we’d assume. 11.99, while supplies last.
Things that make you go, “who is this for?” part ?/? is this Arizona Coyotes Concepts Sport Women’s Knit Panty- Black. (this is, I think, the first time the work “panty” has been used in this publication) Well, it’s certainly a concept, that much is true. It’s also black as advertised. So that’s two points in its favor, I guess. There are no circumstances under which I would buy NHL underwear, but you’re welcome to. 13.99, a steal.
The Chicago Blackhawks are peddling some wares
For the bargain price of 3.99, you can make your children as scared to check the piggy bank as you are to check the real life bank. Adulting!! You can also probably scrape off the logo, as it looks like it was printed on “economically.” Plus, he’s got a scarf. To recap: Harvard MBA- $111,542, Blackhawks Piggy Bank- 3.99. Both are effective ways to learn that money is scary, so I know which one I’d pick. You simply can’t lose on value here.
This Jonathan Toews Chicago Blackhawks 24” Player Plush Studd would be better suited to a Thanksgiving guide, given its disturbing resemblance to a turkey, but hey, here we are. So this is Christmas, etc etc. Turkey-esque features aside, this is a very lifelike model, as this plush “studd” (what is a “studd”) is also missing a spine and a brain. You can burn it or throw darts at it, you can really do whatever.
An Avalanche of options
Quick note on this: a successful avalanche goes down, not up. It is kind of the whole thing with avalanches. Perhaps that’s why they didn’t win in 2021, they were trying to do the wrong thing. The Avalanche’s playoff loss didn’t have anything to do with various players, Who Know Who They Are, sneaking a zebra cake after practice, it wasn’t injuries, it wasn’t “choking,” it’s that they forgot the fundamental mechanics of an avalanche. Sad.
You know what’s all the rage right now? NFTs. You know what’s even better than NFTs? Posters! They’re the original NFTs, and also you actually own something that is yours that you can put on the wall that can’t be right clicked and saved instantly by thieves and villains. I also think posters are probably better for the environment but who can say, really. The other thing about this poster is that Anže Kopitar looks absolutely terrifying. Nice.
Graphic design is their (Dallas Stars) passion
Folks, I recently started using a mouse with my work laptop, and it was a really good call. Turns out all the high and mighty “doctors” and “physical therapists” and “occupational therapists” are right and laptop layouts are not in fact optimal for wrists and fingers and the like. Hm. Oh well! If you, like me, are venturing into the exciting world of peripherals, invest in the mid 2000’s stylings of this if-pucks-were-word-art mousepad. 6.99, while supplies last.
I didn’t remember Adidas getting into the ransom note game, but I guess they did, because this is egregious. I understand that “three,” “stripe,” and “hockey” don’t take up the same amount of horizontal space, but also, it’s close, and you can just stretch the whole word instead of giving each letter an individual treatment based on Nothing. Smacks of that “Smashville” stadium series jersey, which was also correctly mocked for font crimes.
Minnesota, flat and shiny
So there’s this girl, right? She’s beautiful and smart and funny and the number one Minnesota Wild Fan, and she’s reading this right now. That’s right. What do you get in recognition of your fandom credentials? This mirror, if you buy it! Yours, for 25.99. In the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, it’s easy to lose sight of what really matters: you, and whether or not your eyebrows are perfect. Practice self care, buy this mirror. What do you have to lose?
Folks, what are you waiting for? It’s long since been time to decorate the Christmas tree. Make yours the envy of all your friends, family, neighbors, and enemies from a bygone era with this Minnesota Wild Flat Metal Ball Ornament (otherwise known as a disc, or a circle). Minnesotannenbaum, is this anything? It also appears to come pre-nicked, for that homey feel all the bloggers are raving about. Yours, for less than the price of a peppermint mocha, or whatever the kids are drinking these days.
Summer lovin’ in Smashville
With the invention of single use sandals, the Nashville Predators have ushered in a new era of footwear. Because really, if these get wet at all they’re done, right? Until they do break down, though, you can wear them around your Nashville bachlorette party while strangers squint at your feet to try to figure out what the logo is. That seems to be the intended use. As that’s technically posting feet for free, we’d advise against it, but we can’t stop you.
In the spirit of Nashville, a place with music: 🎶🎵 🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast, summer lovin’, nashvillepredatorsonanass 🎶🎵🎶 Make waves with this Breaking Waves Bikini Bottom-Navy, and show all the strangers at the beach that you’re a mustard cat superfan. Is there a matching top? Not anymore, but you can mix and match with, for example, a Winnipeg Jets branded bikini top. That’s how rivalries work, I think. In any event, use sunscreen.
Visiting a bygone era with the St. Louis Blues
I can’t explain it, but I have a visceral feeling these slippers were in Mean Girls (2004). You could perhaps purchase these at one of the 2300 Claire’s locations that somehow still exist worldwide, despite their Chapter 11 bankruptcy filing 3 years ago. They also actually look comfortable, and are, I imagine, what Uggs would be like if you cut the tops off. Much to consider. I do not have a clue what S/M/L/XL sizing means in the wide and terrifying world of women’s shoe sizing, but hey, it’s 15 bucks.
2019 was ten years ago, so you could be forgiven for having forgotten that the Blues won the cup. Should you want to remember (masochist, Bruins hater, Blues fan, can’t recall a time pre-pandemic, very into blue, Brad Marchand pain enjoyer, other reasons which I’m sure are also valid), you can buy this hat, onto which someone has helpfully gorilla glued a picture of the Stanley Cup which probably only recently came out of their home injket.
Some Winnipeg (G)ets
This is the long anticipated and much needed decor for when you’re a Canadian air traffic controller and you’ve gone hunting, to explain why you’re gone and the planes can’t go anywhere. You hang it on the door and then just flip it over whenever you’re out after moose or whatever, because it happens a lot. This is especially important with all the travel during the holiday season, so it’s really just irresponsible not to. No, I’m not making up a guy. This is a real guy, and he’s everywhere.
It’s the other kind of retro NFT: a trading card. Remember the dearly departed Patrik Laine (he ain’t dead, he’s just in Columbus) with this card commemorating his 100th career goal, scored against the Chicago Blackhawks in his 179th career game in November 2018. It appears to also come in a nice plastic case, so that it’s protected for when you inevitably spill water all over it and freeze that water for good luck.
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