questions answered by my t shirt
the latest in longform nhl shitposting from two people who are just as normal as jeremy swayman (very normal)
Still getting back into the swing of things, pardon our dust, provide feedback below, etc etc
Francesco Aquilini voice: Injuries!
Welcome to week two of what is definitely a real and fine-to-have NHL season. Stop me if you’ve heard this before: An NHL team is missing a player due to a positive covid test. That NHL team plays a game. More positive tests come in. They play another game, somehow.
We’re doing it again! Now granted, what happened with the Devils and Sabres, or the Kings and Wild and Avs, etc, will likely not happen with the Wild and the Jets (who continue to play without captain Blake Wheeler) because of this cool thing called vaccines, but it’s still kind of, well, it doesn’t feel great.
Who knows what’s going to happen, really? Not us. Not the NHL. Brandon Saad (STL), Jeff Carter (PIT), and a bunch of other guys are also missing games now, and we’re only a week in.
Also, approximately 2.5 million people are hurt in non-covid ways. Like Jack Hughes (NJD), who dislocated his shoulder. It’s a bummer, he was setting up for a good season. Also in atrocious luck for young players, Nick Robertson (TOR) will be out for at least 10 weeks. NHL Injury Viz’s charts are up, and those are worth looking at if you’re interested.
Guys are also missing time for other reasons, like suspensions. The Department of Player “Whatever, Man” has had a busy week. George Parros explained a few of those decisions here. While it’s not good that they’ve been so busy fining and suspending, because you’d hope players would behave better and not, for example, headbutt each other, they seem to actually be doing their job (ish) so far. We’ll see if that continues.
Anyway, this all makes feels “not nuts” and “very normal,” so here’s your other news.
the news
The PHF has a new trans inclusion policy, and it’s a good step, but falls short in a number of important ways. More on that here.
Evander Kane (SJS) has been suspended 21 games for a fake vaccine card, has “apologized” for his “mistake.”
This is a no-Kucherov-discourse zone. Read Capfriendly’s tweets.
Evgeny Kuznetsov (WSH) has apparently found his joy again, can also score. He has also received an ax.
Ilya Kovalchuk might be the GM of the Russian Olympic team
ESPN is going to carry PHF and KHL games
Krav-watch, shit’s not good!
About the Kraken arena, very cool. Less cool, here’s some words about the Kraken’s chaotic first roadtrip
Dog Watch: the Islanders dog has a name and a cute face, here’s an update on the Minnesota Wild dog, Charlie McAvoy might be this week’s best Bruin, and Peter Laviolette is good again.
Sara Civian has started writing a style ranking for The Athletic. Here is the Hockey News, So To Speak, commentary on this week’s fashion
Loui Eriksson (ARI) has rocked up to two separate games in sweater blazers. King shit.
I am really not sure what is going on in Arizona.
Also in good looks: Colin Miller (BUF), Mathieu Joseph (TBL), Nic Dowd (WSH), PK Subban (NJD), K’Andre Miller (NYR)
miscellaneous hockey stuff
A very good drawing of Claude Giroux (PHI)
Some fun Rick Jeanneret content from the Buffalo Sabres, who are doing good content again
Look at Jeff Skinner (BUF)! Look at him!
diversions (otter focused)
Here is Juan Soto, (not an otter) of the Washington Nationals, doing hockey
allow me to continue to reintroduce myself
More very real hockey analysis for the 2021-2022 NHL season:
The other twelve are coming we promise.
The Canes traded Calder finalist goalie Alex Nedeljkovic to Detroit for Jonathan Bernier’s rights, then didn’t sign Jonathan Bernier. Petr Mrázek and James Reimer signed elsewhere. Their goalies now are Frederik Andersen, who might not be good anymore, and Antti Raanta, who has a bit of an injury history. Non-goalie wise, they did an epic bacon revenge offer sheet to the Montreal Canadiens, and came out with one (1) Jesperi Kotkaniemi, at 6.1M for one year. They also let Dougie Hamilton walk in free agency, and signed Ethan Bear (probably good), Ian Cole (probably washed), and Tony DeAngelo (huh?). Derek Stepan is also here now.
John Mulaney voice: well we don’t have time to unpack all of that. I’m certainly not sure what to make of it.
Predictions:
Someone will clock Tony DeAngelo again
The Canes will not make the playoffs
The Detroit Red Wings
Tyler Bertuzzi, get your damn shot. You’d imagine that sitting at home every time the Wings play in Canada would get boring, especially with the season Bertuzzi’s been having so far, but it evidently has not. 😬 In nicer news, highly awaited prospect Lucas Raymond is here now, and has already scored a goal. This guy should be fun to watch for a while. The Wings also traded away veteran goaltender Jonathan Bernier’s rights for Calder finalist Alex Nedeljkovic, so they should be solid in net for a while if he continues to perform. Unfortunately for the Red Wings, Jakub Vrana will be out for a while following a shoulder surgery, but they’ve looked alright so far.
Predictions:
Despite having “made his decision,” Tyler Bertuzzi will get his shot
If the Wings end up in a playoff race, we may end up seeing the debut of highly touted prospect “Gleve Byzerman”
The St. Louis Blues
Guess who’s still here? Vladimir Tarasenko. Also still here (though no one expected him to leave)? Jordan Kyrou, who is doing quite well for himself, no doubt due to his mom’s souvlaki. Klim Kostin is also having a good time, and he’ll probably play a lot more this season. Also up front, Brandon Saad and Pavel Buchnevich (when not headbutting) have been good additions so far. The Blues stuck with Ville Husso and Jordan Binnington in net, which is a choice considering how that wen’t last year, but maybe Binnington will bounce back. Otherwise, something something “goaltending’s in the bin” or whatever.
Predictions:
Vladimir Tarasenko will move at the deadline
Jordan Binnington will not, in fact, be good again
The Vancouver Canucks
At last, the moment Canucks fans have been waiting for has arrived. Vasily Podkolzin has joined the team, and also has scored a goal. That rocks. The Canucks also added Conor Garland (good), Jaroslav Halak (should be capable?), Jason Dickinson (great pickup!), and Oliver Ekman-Larsson (huh?/maybe cooked) this offseason. Ekman-Larsson in particular is interesting, given how he’s maybe cooked and under contract for Lots of Money and Lots of Time. Hopefully it works out, also hopefully Quinn Hughes isn’t hurt for much longer. The Canucks also lost a lot of players, including Loui Eriksson, Antoine Roussel, and Stanley Cup Champion Jay Beagle, who were traded to Arizona for Garland and Ekman Larsson. Also, Brandon Sutter is out for now with longterm covid effects, we wish him the best, Nate Schmidt was traded to Winnipeg, and Braden Holtby and an alleged sex criminal who wasn’t any good at hockey were both bought out.
Predictions:
Jason Dickinson will continue his tradition of taking pucks to the face regardless of which team he is on
Brock Boeser will cut his hair on a dare and the city of Vancouver will enter a mandatory mourning period of at least a week.
how’s our driving?
Every week, we’ll revisit ten of our unconfirmed/denied predictions to see how we’re doing
A weekly update on our pre(ish)season predictions (and maybe some shoehorning ourselves into being right):
Jack Eichel will take up podcasting
Per an official HNSTS Research Institute count, there have been two million podcasts about his situation, and pre-situation he guested on a few but so far, no dice on an Eichel-hosted production.
Kevyn Adams will be undeservingly fired for whatever dismal return the Sabres get after trading Eichel, as Eichel will have further tanked his value through podcasting
Kevyn, get on the phone and trade his ass. Do it before the podcast debut!
Connor McDavid will discover the true meaning of Christmas, will also score exactly 154 points.
Our research has turned up several pictures of Connor McDavid sm*ling. Perhaps we’re there on point number one. As to point number two, he has 8 points in three games, which puts him on track for 218.67 points on the season. I say he doesn’t do it, on account of how he’s going to score exactly 154.
Mike Smith will turn 40.
Barring a change, this appears to be full steam ahead, with a projected date of March 22nd, 2022. Will update if project timeline or budget changes.
Snoop Dogg will call a Kings game
The NHL wished Snoop Dogg a happy 50th, so I feel good about this one
Pavel Buchnevich will score 2 in every game against the Rangers
The Blues play the Rangers for the first time in March, we’ll keep this one on ice, but assume we are once again correct in our analysis
The Kraken will make the playoffs
It has not been smooth sailing for the Seattle Kraken. They’ve been losing, and badly. But it’s a little early to panic, and here’s more on that. I say they do it.
The Vegas Golden Knights twitter account will post a picture of Nolan Patrick with photoshopped cat ears
I think they’re getting closer, but they haven’t yet.
Alexander Ovechkin will pass Brett Hull and Jaromir Jagr, but will not pass Wayne Gretzky this season (hot take)
Alex Ovechkin has scored four goals in three games. This means he’ll have 109 on the season, which will put him 55 short of Gretzky. I think we’re safe on that last bit. As for Hull it’ll be 7 to tie and 8 to pass, so that probably happens by American Thanksgiving. Jagr will probably be tight for this year, with 766 goals to Ovechkin’s 734, unless, of course, Ovechkin continues to score 1+ goals per game.
At no point will more than 5 players under 26 play concurrently for the Washington Capitals
So far, so good. The Capitals have had 4 players under 26 in each of their games so far: Hendrix Lapierre, Vitek Vaneček, Daniel Sprong, and Martin Fehérváry. In their third game, Connor McMichael played instead of Lapierre, and Ilya Samsonov replaced Vaneček. Still only four, we are vindicated.
questions, comments, concerns, suggestions?
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