season's bleatings
the triumphant (ish) return of nail yakudoll, and some comments from your favorite sheeple
Look here is the thing: the National Hockey League is going to covid hell in a covid handbasket. While it’s not been “serious” yet, the numbers are concerning and it feels very deja vu. Depressing, bad, hate to see it, probably not going to the Olympics. It’s been a while on news, but the news has mostly been bad.
In the spirit of a “newsletter,” before we get to the hotly anticipated Hockey News, So To Speak gift guide, some quick reactions to Our Evolving Disaster:
The Arizona Coyotes didn’t pay their taxes for a long time and then the city of Glendale, which owns their arena, said “hey give us our money or we will kick you out” and so then they did pay the taxes but maybe not their rent, and maintain it was a human error. Yeah buddy, the human error was assuming you could get away with not paying your taxes. Gary Bettman says there is not a problem. (Sure, Jan)
The NHL is positively riddled with covid, just absolutely teeming with virus, full up with disease, drowning in sickness, every day it gets worse—seemingly unsustainably, etc etc. We think this is bad, and also not funny. Vaccines, on the other hand? Very good. Glad to hear that players are getting boosters and we haven’t heard about any serious symptoms yet.
Some other stuff also happened but this is mostly about the gifts
In last year’s gift guide, we linked this tweet, which still sums up the overarching hockey situation pretty well:
Anyway, here’s wonderwall the gift guide.
Questions Answered By Our Gift Guide, 2021 - Pacific
Ask not for whom the NHL shop tolls, it tolls for thee.
We will once again be your guides through the depths of the NHL Fanatics sale. And the depths are, well, deep. But so are the depths of gifting.
What do you get for your mother in law who’s never really accepted your take on pumpkin pie? Your ex best friend you drew in secret Santa even though you don’t talk any more? Your least favorite sibling because of that one time they bit you when you were kids? The weird uncle no one in your family can stand because he talks about trains too much?
These, dear reader, are the questions answered by our gift guide.
Denial, it’s a…river? in Anaheim?
You may not be able to turn back time, but what you can do is party like it’s 2018 with this Anaheim Ducks Wall Calendar, complete with Full-Action Poster-Sized Images, for the low, low price of 8.99. What the fuck’s a “pandemic?” Gaze upon Corey Perry’s Intense Game Face as you plan your appointments and forget the world. Reject modernity, embrace tradition, welcome back to 2018. We’ve been waiting for you.
Have you ever wanted to be Ryan Kesler’s soccer mommy? Well, now you can pretend you are, with this. The HNSTS promise is that we will always be honest with you, and we’ve gotta say, this is deranged. This is what PTA moms who obsessively track their children’s every move and get into fights at pee wee house league games have on their cars for little Jaiden and his team, except it’s for Ryan Kesler, formerly of the Anaheim Ducks. Macklemore voice: but shit, it was (5 dollars and) 99 cents!
Fad Accessories from the Calgary Flames
You all know our stance on tongue. Objectively, it’s good. You need it to taste stuff. Do you need as much tongue as Harvey The Hound is rocking on this 2020 All-Star Game pin (MSRP 4.99)? Mm, probably not. You can have it anyway, though, at almost half off. What do you do with it when you get it? Well, that’s up to you. Are people still putting buttons on backpacks? Wear it as a brooch. Yeah, that’s it, a brooch.
I hate NFTs, advertised in this screenshot and several others, but not as much as I hate this necklace. For just 12.99, you too can have a bedazzled scrabble C tile on a string. It also comes with beads. I am not sure exactly how the clasp works, other than that it seems to just sort of slide in, and I don’t trust it. I hate this less than NFTS, actually, but the margin is tight. That said, stripped from a mid 2000’s horror show, this could be what you need to finally make fetch happen.
Enduring Commitment, the Edmonton Oilers Story
Nail Yakudoll, it’s smaller now. How much do you believe in the people in your life? Is it enough to make two sets (10”,14”) of plush dolls in their image? No? Well, why not! Symbolize your commitment to new family, new friends, and coworkers with this symbol of Edmonton’s commitment to their first overall pick in the 2012 draft. Hopefully it goes better for you than it did for them and your giftee doesn’t end up in Omsk, which is a city in Siberia.
The trade was one for one, but this trade is one for 33.99. You may think that’s a lot for a Taylor Hall Edmonton Oilers Players Uniframe, but I’d disagree. You’re getting it at a steep discount, and there’s only one left! 4 is also an important number for Hall. In his first season with the Oilers, Hall had 4 game winning goals, in his third season, 4 power play goals, and in his final season, 4 power play goals again. Good of the Oilers to commemorate these important individual accomplishments.
The Los Angeles Kings Have Stuff You Could Put In Your House
Let’s start with some basics. Does Wayne Gretzky look like this? No. Has Wayne Gretzky ever looked like this? Also no. This is good news, because the guy in the picture has no mouth, and how would Wayne Gretzky, the second greatest goal scorer of all time, eat without a mouth? This also feels like the start to one of those terrible hypothetical icebreaker questions: “would you rather fight four funko-sized Wayne Gretzkys or a Wayne Gretzky-sized funko?”
Like a thin sheet of ice, this cutting board is tinted blue. Also like a thin sheet of ice, the glass bit would probably shatter into a million pieces if you dropped it on your tile floors. You do have tile floors, right? There’s a knife here (I think some kind of cheese knife?) as well, for double the fun if you’re clumsy. And it’s got NHL rink markings on it! You like hockey, right? This is a cutting board that looks like hockey, yours for only…76.79??? What? Hope you like charcuterie. You do like charcuterie, right?
Lessons in Product Development from the San Jose Sharks
The San Jose Sharks merch team set out to answer a very important question here: what would happen if we tried to bring cold shoulder tops back, only we made it a dress and put mesh in the holes? The answer to this question? Well, it’s the San Jose Sharks G-III 4Her by Carl Banks Women’s Spring Training Camp Dress- Black/Teal. No, hockey does not have spring training, no, I do not know why they called it that. Yours for 27.99, act now.
Give or take, 4 of these dudes do not play for the Sharks anymore, which is fine, but surely should result in a price cut of more than 10 dollars. Respect 👏🏻 women’s 👏🏻wallets 👏🏻. From an aesthetic standpoint, it probably would have been better to go with nicknames here, or last names, so you don’t have “M a r c - E d o u a r d” across the entire chest while everything else is pretty exclusively on the right side. Live and learn. Eat at Arby’s.
The Seattle Kraken Have Not Been Around Long Enough For This To Work
The thing about this gift guide is that it requires teams to have a rich library of deranged sale merchandise without a clear target audience. The Kraken have not been around long enough to have that sort of œuvre. I do not want to leave Kraken fans out in the cold, though, so uh, these socks are pretty zany? Also may keep your feet warm, as socks tend to do.
What if a pillow was made to look like a puck, and then you could put your kid’s name on it? I bet you’d like that, huh. If your kid’s name is Michael, you don’t even need to customize it, as all pillows have “Michael” on them by default. If your kid’s name isn’t Michael, well, it is now. Hopefully the Kraken will have a better selection next year.
Country Christmas with the Vancouver Canucks
Craft show kitsch, but make it mass-produced and Vancouver Canucks branded. Hang this on your tree, hang it in place of mistletoe, use it as a coaster. Loads of options here. In cases of extreme frustration, you could even remove the pine bits and the bow and toss it on the ice at a game like a second puck, which will confuse everyone and inevitably lead to a Canucks win. That, or Tyler Myers will score a goal with this ornament and the Canucks will lose 10-9. Tough to say.
This is Vancouver Canucks Country, you can tell because of the sign that says “Vancouver Canucks Country” that hangs over my bed while I sleep, like the sword of Damocles. The reason there are only three left is because I’ve bought them all and put them around my property, declaring myself a sovereign citizen of Vancouver Canucks Country and subject to no one’s laws but Fin’s. For the low price of $29.99 USD you too can become the sworn enemy of Homeowners Associations around the world.
“I Guess We’re Still Doing These?” Featuring the Vegas Golden Knights
Lokai bracelets are apparently still a thing. I needed to look at the actual copy to confirm that this wasn’t a fever dream from 2013, but the white bead is in fact purported to contain water from Mount Everest, for life’s highs, like trading for Jack Eichel, and the black bead is purported to contain mud from the Dead Sea, for life’s lows, like losing in the Stanley Cup Final. Balance. Or something.
Do you have a bar? Do you know someone who has a bar? Do you know someone who got way too into mixology over the pandemic and now *thinks* they have a bar? Yeah, that’s right. Now, the fake bar they pretend is like a real bar despite it being one bar cart in a messy 20 square foot kitchen can look more like what someone who’s never been to a bar thinks a bar looks like. That’s the value proposition on a distressed bottle cap sign, it gives you edge and credibility. Give the gift of edge and credibility. Or maybe you just own an Applebee’s franchise, who are we to judge?
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