We are still in the 12 days of Christmas, and these gifts aren’t for people you like anyway, so it’s ok if they’re late. Here’s more gift guide.
symBols of respect and admiration
Nudge “that special someone” about their mortality by presenting them with the gaping maw of Blades the Bruin. When you stare into the abyss, sometimes the abyss stares back silently, but sometimes, like this time, it says, starting with a whisper and building to a roar, “teeth, Teeth, TEeth, TEEth, TEETh, TEETH.” Neato. For the low, low price of 18.99 USD, you can remind the ones you love, like, are indifferent towards, and hate to cherish every moment, and isn’t that what Christmas is all about?
We’re sorry, We’re sorry, we’re trying to delete it, but we’re talking about feet again. Specifically, we’re talking about the Boston Bruins Cuce Women’s Snap Slip-On Shoes, which you can put on your feet (or someone else’s) if your feet (or theirs) are a US women’s size 8 or 11. Why or if you’d want to is your business, we’re just letting you know the option exists. While these may not hold up to a Boston winter, at 23.99, it’s a value you can’t pass up (unless you can, which is your right).
u tried, star sticker (buffalo edition)
If you’re a Sabres fan like me, you spend money on disappointing things all the time. Zing. Swish. Etc. Anyway, a mosaic is what happens when you break a bunch of stuff with a hammer (like tanking, you could say), and then put all the pieces of the stuff back together with a bunch of Quikrete in an effort to make something cooler (like a rebuild), and so it’s somewhat poetic, really. This could be like that, and so could the Sabres, except this is a cheap imitation of a mosaic, and so it’s somewhat poetic, really.
It’s Sabretooth on some socks, for those cold Buffalo winters when you really need socks. Maybe if Kevyn Adams and every other GM had had these over the summer, the Eichel trade would have happened sooner because they wouldn’t have had cold feet. Much to consider. This advice is free to all NHL GMs who want to trade superstars with questionable necks. (If you want to compensate us though, we won’t complain, Kevyn Adams, give your money to women)
This Cave Runs On Red Wings Power
The two nouns bucket and pail refer to a cylindrical open container with a handle. In most instances, these two words can be used as synonyms. However, there are certain occasions where they cannot be used interchangeably because bucket has a more extensive set of meanings.
While bucket may have a more extensive set of meanings, there’s still plenty you can do with this 5-quart pail, yours for 14.99. For instance, you can use it to store chicken feed. You can put ice and a bunch of beers in it. I like beer.
Now that you have a five quart pail you can really get the cave party started. But only for fans. You can hang this sign by your cave, or your rink(!), should you have either, to indicate that This Is A Red Wings Fan Zone ONLY, others are not allowed. After all, this cave runs on Red Wings power, and you gotta keep the lights on. Alert passers-by and potential occupants to your space’s unique electrical infrastructure, it’s the right thing to do.
Happy Belated National Education Month from the Florida Panthers
Aaron Ekblad absolutely smolders in this 2018 edition of the Florida Panthers (plus cats!) Magazine (real and officially licensed) and we are here 👏🏻 for 👏🏻 it 👏🏻. You’d think it would be less than 13 dollars, seeing as it’s almost 4 years old and also is a magazine, but that’s how you know it’s the good stuff. It wouldn’t be this expensive if it wasn’t worth it, and look at that, Nick Bjugstad goes fishing! National Education Month was November, but it’s never too late to read.
Do you know a beleaguered education worker who, because of capitalism (more like crapitalism am i right ladies) has to buy their own classroom supplies out of pocket? Are they also a Panthers evangelist? Buddy, have I got a product for you. It’s the Florida Panthers WinCraft Individual Pencil, at 49 cents a pop. Are they probably absolutely brutal to sharpen because of the plastic around them? Yeah, but this is a great way to teach kindergarteners the value of hard work. Just think about it.
C’est Frommage (Dommage but it’s cheese)
The Montréal Canadiens (le Club de Hockey Canadien) are at the bottom of the Atlantic division right now, but there’s still time. Here’s the thing, though. In sadness or in joy, you can get wine drunk watching your hockey team. And what goes well with wine? Assorted cheeses. For just under 60 American dollars, you can get a cheese cutting board and the tools you need to use it. Who needs to worry about Shea Weber (say this like web bear) when you can have camembert?
Based on the product description, you could be forgiven for concluding that the Montreal Canadiens hockey team is selling a child. This is, however, not the case, and instead they are selling an overpriced and personalizable blanket for a child. Good news, good news indeed. Shipping is a little delayed so that they can get the name on it, unless your child’s name is Noah, in which case it comes like that, but you can’t rush perfection.
The Ottawa Senators Have Deals
The University of Minnesottawa Senators thank you for your support, when you wear this Ottawa Senators 5th and Ocean by New Era Women’s Tri-Blend Fleece Scoop Neck Pullover Sweatshirt- Red/Gold, available in school colors. 8.99 for a sweatshirt is really not bad either. Surprising deals from the notoriously miserly Eugene Melnyk, though perhaps his heart has just grown several sizes bigger during this holiday season. Take advantage of his kindness while it lasts.
For those who (Taylor Swift voice) leave the Christmas lights up until January, it may not yet be too late to buy ornaments, and at 1.67 per ornament, that’s a lot of bang for your buck. Here at HNSTS, we love an off label use, so you could probably also craft some sort of windchime-y (but plastic) instrument out of them for more literal “bang.” If you have kids, this makeshift instrument could also be a handy replacement for an alarm clock, though it probably won’t win you any popularity contests.
The Stanley Cup of Weird Product Design
Remember Toms? Remember Bobs, the knockoff Toms? These are Jons (Cooper), the Tampa Bay Lightning knockoff Toms, or as I like to call them, the Tampa Bay Lightning Women’s Side Wordmark Canvas Shoes. I don’t want to keep talking about feet, but so many of the deranged products are for feet, so this is my cross to bear. These probably don’t hold up great and I’m not sure what actual real life shoe size for real life people an “XL” is, but good luck anyway.
I’ve got one question. How do you carry this fucking thing. It has a handle on the side, so that would theoretically be our answer, but the cooler doesn’t appear to actually seal in any meaningful sense, so I guess you just sit the lid on top and carry it sideways and spill ice and god knows what else behind you as you walk. Maybe. Also, contrary to the product name, I doubt you could either play this as a bongo or sit on it. Fail! You give this to me, you are not coming to the next picnic.
Hautoronto Couture
Have you ever wanted to know what it would be like to sleep in a hooded dress? Now you can find out, for 34.99, the number of Maple Leafs star Auston Matthews, plus 99 cents. Also James Reimer. And Ken Yaremchuk. It’s like if you put Wade Belak, Cody Franson, Nik Antropov, and Brent Imlach next to each other. That’s what the price is like. I hope it’s comfortable, though I can’t imagine that sleeping in a hood would be.
The first thing a lot of people think about when they think about Auston Matthews is his mustache. The second may very well be these socks, devoid of mustache and featuring a facial expression I can only describe as: No. Not really. Quite a lot of people out there said “yes, yes really,” though, as there are only six pairs of these socks left. Maybe they only ever made ten or eleven, who can say. Fanatics should say that. Tell us what we’re dealing with, while Auston Matthews glowers.
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