the end is near
the thrilling metro division finale of the very "useful" and "good" hnsts gift guide
So technically the twelve days of Christmas ended Last Wednesday. Clownstyled by time yet again, this is sometimes just how it goes. Unfortunately for us, though perhaps fortunately for you, there is not a calendar in this final edition of the gift guide.
Let’s get to it.
What time is it? Seasonal confusion.
For those brutal Raleigh winters, cozy up with this Carolina Hurricanes Youth Flat Knit Trapper Hat Black. Just under 23 dollars from now, plus shipping, your ears can be nice and warm and cozy and you can sip some mulled wine in the average January temperature of 40 something while you watch your favorite team, the Carolina Hurricanes. Good work everyone, no notes.
According to the team store, Hurricanes Time is always four o'clock for reasons known only to Timex. Despite this, game time doesn’t seem to have a discernible impact on whether or not the Hurricanes win or lose, unlike their always sleepy division rivals, the Washington Capitals. The Hurricanes have had 22 (2+2=4) players wear the number 4 in franchise history, most recently Haydn Fleury, but I don’t think it’s that. Some mysteries are not meant to be solved.
These are items!
This necklace is like if the Calgary Flames scrabble tile had a bunch more strings and wasn’t a letter. It could also be a bracelet, or perhaps a full finger wrap ring. Knit all four that are left into some kind of choker. We are here to help. The Fanatics site lists this as one of the “Most Popular in Ladies Accessories,” which might be a Fanatics lie, but it’s equally likely it’s true, because Fanatics does shitty product design for women.
🎵When I find myself knocked out of playoffs/mother golf comes back to me/speaking words of wisdom/hit the greeeeens
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me/speaking words of wisdom/hit the greeeeens
Hit the greens/hit the greens/hit the greeeens/hit the greeens/protect your clubs before you/hit the greeeens🎵
I think that’s all there is to say.
Graphic Designers Must Be Stopped: My Column
Hockey Players have two (2) thoughts about nicknames: the first, [first syllable of last name]-er; the second, [first syllable of last name]-s. So it stands to reason that Kyle Palmieri (now with the New York Islanders) would be “Palms,” though we didn’t really need the visual. It’s confronting, but presents a fun thought exercise: how would Lou Lamoriello react if Kyle Palmieri showed up with long green hair and a beard? Sound off in the comments.
Patrik Eliáš retired in 2016, which means that this keychain has been waiting five to six years to make its way home with you. He stands, with his hand on his heart, looking into your eyes with an expression that says, “Buy this keychain for 5.99, put me on your backpack or your keys. Please. This warehouse is so cold.” Who are we to deny the will of New Jersey Devils great, Patrik Eliáš? Who is anyone?
The New York Islanders Are Here Too
Gone are the days of Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum and its collection of parking lots in which to tailgate, but your party doesn’t have to end, with this New York Islanders Picnic Table, yours for 169.99. “Isn’t that a little pricey?” you may ask. No. You can’t put a price on the experience of unfolding a rickety picnic table (that could fold back up at any time) in order to get tanked outside before a sporting event. No price is too high. Plus, you get to say “pick-a-nick” and feel like Yogi Bear.
Does watching the Islanders exhaust you? Does your Islanders fandom make you want to hide your face in shame? Have we got a product for you! It’s the New York Islanders Hockey Jersey Jumper-Royal, which will work as pajamas for those snoozer hockey games, and has a hood which you can pull over your whole head and pull the drawstrings. Nice. It’s every fan’s dream (and you can dream while sleeping in this onesie)
We Know What We Do Here
Move over, New York Rangers, there’s another team in town. It’s the…Texas Rangers Baseball Team? The Fanatics website claims that this is an NHL Home & Office item, and who are we to say it’s not? They also claim it’s on sale, despite the complete and utter lack of price reduction. Don’t think too much about it. Instead, pour yourself a beer (up to 22 ounces!) and enjoy the dingers of Mika Zibanejad and Artemi Panarin.
Despite the fact that we’ve introduced a new New York Rangers, who play baseball, the Fanatics store and Adidas want us to all be on the same page about how the sɹǝƃuɐɹ New York play Hokej Jääkiekko Hockey. Marcus Semien is a goalie, Cory Seager is their leading scorer, and Adolis Garcia whiffed it in a shootout once. It could happen, maybe. And this hat could happen for you, at 16.99, an absolute steal.
bad things happened in Philadelphia
If the Philadelphia Flyers have your heart locked down, through good times (jk, you’re Philadelphia fans, you never think it’s a good time) and bad, in non-covid related illness and in health, for James van Riemsdyk contract or for poorer, etc etc, show the world with this WinCraft Philadelphia Flyers Heart Charm Necklace. This is a very normal product with a chain of normal thickness. And even if it wasn’t a normal product, it’s 4 dollars. May as well!
It’s another cursed turkey doll. It’s turkey Claude Giroux! He’s a doll! I can’t and won’t explain why this screams turkey to me, but it does. Unlike the Jonathan Toews doll from the Central gift guide, though, this effigy doesn’t need to be burned, making it a much more economical purchase, guaranteed to last you at least a little while. How long? Well, that depends on what you do with it, but that’s none of our business.
Things that go “boing” in the night
I don’t know what’s going on here, apart from that it probably hangs from a doorknob and goes “boing.” I’m not really sure I want to know. It sees you when you’re sleeping, it knows when you’re awake, it knows that you’ve been bad, and it’s entirely too late. There is nothing you can do. It sees all, It hears all. The Bells Are Ringing. The bells are ringing for you. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. They are coming.
Also in “things that go boing,” this “Tabletop Ornament.” It’s a bobblehead except instead of a head, its legs. “Bobblelegs” doesn’t have the same ring to it, so they had to get creative. That’s all. The key question here, I think, is “whose legs are these?” They seem short, so could it be former Penguin Conor Sheary? If it is, why is he wearing cleats? Why does the snow say “Pittsburgh Penguins?” Is Conor Sheary stuck?
the nashington preditals
We first explored the concept of the “disposable sandal” in the Central gift guide, and we’re revisiting it here. While these seem marginally more durable than the Predators sandals, they still seem like they’d be uncomfortable. Also, what occasion are these for? You wouldn’t wear them to a hockey game because your feet would get cold, you wouldn’t wear them with casual clothes because they’re too dressy looking, and you wouldn’t wear them with most dressy clothes because they’re bright red. Mysteries.
For those who confuse WSH and NSH, things are about to get even harder. That’s right, they made a yellow Capitals jersey, and you can buy it as a pin for only 3.99! Suggestions for one (or all) of these 8 pins, yellowing under the Fanatics warehouse sun: spice up your corkboard and use them as replacement thumbtacks, show your fandom to your colleagues and wear them as lapel pins, improvise a rainstick or maraca by filling various containers with them, etc. The only limit is your creativity.
questions, comments, concerns, suggestions?
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